What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:37
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Does being poor build better character than being born rich?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Which is better, a naked picture of some one you know or porn videos?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How do I come out as queer to my best friend in a funny and stupid way?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do doctors refuse HRT to menopausal women but hand them out to trans people?
I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Have you ever been humiliated in front of a group of girls and enjoyed it?
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I think the readers, may guess!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She married twice! .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ive learnt so much.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What did i know ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.